Balancing our children's mental and physical health

Mental ill health can show up early in life. There will be reasons that are out of our control, however, there is also a lot we can do to help.

The sooner we understand what kind of support is needed and available, the better chances our children have for a healthy and good life.

In today's fast-paced world, the well-being of our children should be at the forefront of our concerns. As parents, caregivers, and educators, we strive to provide them with the best opportunities for growth and development.

The link between mental and physical health

Mental and physical health are unavoidably linked and together, they form the basis of a child's overall well-being. When we talk about mental health, we're referring to mental ill health as well as emotional resilience, coping skills, and a positive self-image. Likewise, physical health is more than just physical fitness; it includes nutrition, sleep and general wellness.

For children, maintaining a balance between these two parts is crucial. Physical health supports mental well-being, as regular exercise and a balanced diet can improve mood and cognitive functioning. At the same time, mental health supports physical health by developing healthy habits, reducing stress and strengthening the immune system.

Screen time and its impact

The digital era has launched a variety of screens into our children's lives. While screens offer educational and recreational opportunities, excessive screen time can have a detrimental effect. It can contribute to physical health issues such as obesity, neck and back problems as well as disrupted sleep patterns. It can also affect social development and hinder the development of crucial life skills.

Parents must play a central role in managing screen time. There is no easy way around this. Setting boundaries and encouraging children to engage in age-appropriate, educational content can help strike a balance. Additionally, being actively involved in your children's screen time activities creates a sense of connection and provides opportunities for discussion and guidance. Children like it when parents know what they play and watch.

The power of being present

Parental presence is not just about being there physically; it's about emotional availability and engagement. Attachment theory* explains that a secure emotional bond between children and caregivers is fundamental for healthy development throughout life. These bonds ensure that a child feels safe to explore the world, form relationships, and develop a strong sense of self.

When parents are present both physically and emotionally, a child will feel secure in expressing their feelings, thoughts and concerns. This emotional connection is a protective factor and helps children cope with stress and adversity and increases their self-esteem and resilience.

Dealing with rejection and building resilience

Rejection is a part of life that is hard to avoid, even in childhood. It can come in many forms – not being picked for a team, difficulty making friends or facing academic challenges. How children handle rejection profoundly impacts their mental health and social skills.

Parents can help children deal with rejection by validating their feelings, teaching coping strategies and encouraging perseverance. A strong attachment to the parent or caregiver provides a secure foundation for children to draw strength and resilience from when facing difficult situations.

Developing social skills and connection

Social skills are essential for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Children need to learn how to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts and empathise with others. These skills are best developed through real-world interactions and connections.

Parents can teach social skills by ensuring their children engage with friends or family, both in structured and unstructured settings. Encourage playdates, group activities and open-ended conversations about friendships and emotions. Teach the value of kindness, empathy and how to listen.

The importance of real-life meetings

In our digitally connected world, genuine, face-to-face connections are more critical than ever. While online interactions have their place, they cannot fully replace the importance of in-person connections.

Parents should prioritise family time and ensure they have meaningful conversations. Quality over quantity is key. Engage in activities that promote bonding, such as family meals, outings and shared hobbies. These moments not only strengthen the parent-child bond but also healthy interpersonal relationships.

The development of children's mental and physical health depends on a balance of various interconnected factors. Screen time, parental presence, attachment, rejection, social skills and meaningful connections all play integral roles in shaping a child's well-being. As parents, our aim should be to create an environment that nurtures not only their bodies but also their hearts and minds. By doing so, we equip them with the tools they need to navigate life's challenges and create connections that will enhance their lives.

This takes effort and time, however, when our children leave the nest and fly away, confident and able to cope with life’s ups and downs, pat yourself on the back!

We never stop being their parents and for that, I am forever grateful.

*https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_theory

Family, connection and food

We talk a lot about connection and the importance of feeling part of a shared space – and today, I wanted to talk about meal times.

We live in a world of instant gratification, of constant distraction and busyness.  So what happens in your home around meal times?  Are there shared spaces and connections made whilst eating a meal – or is meal time seen as a time to be tolerated and endured to simpy get through?

Meal times present and opportunity for you and your family!

Numerous studies have been done that show how sharing meals is integral to how your family functions and that it can aid closer relationships and build social and emotional skills for you and your child (ren).

Some positives that are encouraged when you sit down at eat together as a family include:

·       Promoting a safe, secure space for your children that enourages attachment

·       An opportunity for you to role model good behaviour and eating habits and pass these onto your child (ren)

·       A great space to practice social interaction, chatting and conversation and in particular, that all impoartant skill of how to listen to each other in a supportive way

·       Conflict resolution, patience and tolerance will also be needed at meal times and give your child (ren) a change to learn how to adjust, adapt and compromise

·       A huge positive for everyone is that eating together and bonding over food reduces stress levels and releases the feel good chemicals such as dopamine and endorphins.

If you don’t normally eat together, try to implement times when you do eat together as a family.  Start small with breakfast or lunch and build up to eating together as a family whenever possible.    Remember it takes 21 days to form a new habit and 90 days for it to become a regular part of your lifestyle, so stick with a new ‘regime’ and build it up slowly into a habit and then a lifestyle.  (the 21:90 rule!)

If you have teens (or pre-teens) give them ample warning about when dinner is.  Set a time and stick to it.  Institute a ‘rule’ that anytime after (say 5pm) if they are going onto an online game or race or activity that they can’t leave, they need to check with you first if they’ll be able to do this before dinner.  Dinner together needs to be seen as a priority for your family and one that you all participate in.

Make it fun – allow kids to have a say in the menu; to cook some of the meal themselves; mix it up a bit at times (have breakfast for dinner one day!) and swap seats.  Use mealtime to talk about your day e.g. ‘what is your highlight of your day’ and then ‘what is one question you didn’t get answered today’ and ‘tell us something new that happened today or tell us a joke’.  If you run out of ideas, learn a new word from the dictionary every day or put ideas into a hat and pull out a series of questions that you’ve gathered from the internet! Teach those social skills!

Installing the habit of eating and forming connections over food is an essential component of wellbeing and you can start this today!

Enjoy!

Written by Jenni Cole

Climate Change...responsibility of parents or politicians?

My son was doing a lot of research around the effects of climate change and the question of responsibility and it got me thinking about the parent vs politicians question. My interest was also sparked by the local elections recently and the question of, ‘Do I know if the politician I am voting for is active with policy and plans for climate change?’ I’m ashamed to say the answer is ‘I don’t know’.

We’ve often had situations with our parenting work when the parents deem the training and education of their children to be the sole responsibility of the school; and equally plenty of discussions with schools where they lament about the poor parenting responsibility and input with children about matters not typically included in the school curriculum. So when it comes to something like climate change - whose responsibility is it to ensure that our future generations know the extent of this problem and what to do about it?

Our generation Z (those aged 10 - 25) are our most tech savvy, hungry for knowledge segment of the population. They consume copious amounts of social media and online information and are as a collective, a very environmentally conscious group. Yet, in the survey my son took, only 10% of those surveyed in this age group, knew that there was something known as pressure groups that advocate for those who are able to vote, to vote for politicians who are active and engaged with changing legislation around climate change. I found this statistic shocking. It goes to show that the sensationalism and ‘quick flick’ behaviour of apps and online forums, is not getting the message across to this captive audience, that they have power with their votes to make real changes to policies that will actually really effect change.

So, does this then fall to the parents to bridge this gap? Do the parents themselves know? Although many parents do vote, the survey also found that most do not look at the actual policies a politician supports before voting for him/her. They don’t do a ‘deep dive’ to really know who they are voting for and what that politician will actively be promoting. Really interesting to consider. Particularly, when you think about how long it sometimes takes me (and others!) to choose the perfect avocado from the options available. Why have I not spent any time at all really investigating who I vote for?

I will say this, it’s started some very interesting conversations around our dinner table - and my hope is, that this blog today, will start some around yours.

Finally waking up?

The last few weeks have been a stark reminder to women’s vulnerability to violence. With Sarah Everards disappearance and murder, a lot of emotions have been voiced and shown all over the media. So many women sharing their stories and fears.

This has affected me too and the more I think about it, the more I remember incidents that have happened to me since my teens. At the time they were upsetting and a couple of times police were involved due to the seriousness of it. However, most have just been just that, incidents, that I accepted as part of life’s experiences.

As a mother of 2, now adult women, I notice a difference in their response to their incidents of which there have been many. They do not accept things in the way that I did. They discuss it with friends and voice their feelings to who ever will listen. The injustice and outrage is loud and clear.

Has it helped and stopped more abuse? Do their voices make a difference?

I hope so. This has to stop and it has to start at home. Parents and schools need to teach both boys and girls about boundaries, respect and consent. What sex is about and what is real, which is not porn. This seems to be the main way a lot of young boys learn about sex and then think it’s OK to treat girls the same way.

I have listened and read what a young woman, Soma Sara, has been voicing on Instagram and a website, https://www.everyonesinvited.uk/

On there, young women have written testimonials of their experiences at various schools and other places. Sexual abuse, shaming, demeaning and belittling behaviour that no girl should ever have to endure.

What will it take for us as a society to wake up and really face this, very real, problem? Because it doesn’t stop after school is done, this continues into the pubs, bars and offices.

Leaders need to call it out whenever micro aggressions like insults, snubs, derogatory comments and other things like interrupting a woman in a meeting happens. Did you know that 80% of interruptions in a meeting are done by a man to a woman? Speak up in her defence and notice what is going on.

Men and boys need to challenge their ‘mates’ behaviour and not join in the silence when they see behaviours from family or friends that is inappropriate or makes women feel uncomfortable. They have to take a stand and speak out and not allow this behaviour to go unnoticed or unchecked. Model the right behaviour dads - to your sons and for your daughters. And mothers - speak out and stand up for your daughters and teach your sons to respect women.

Change is needed and we can all make a difference.

Eating Disorders Awareness Week

How up to date are you with information on eating disorders? Do you know what they’re all about and how to spot the signs or support someone in your life who may be experiencing this?

This week we’re advocating awareness of eating disorders which are serious, medically dangerous conditions.

Does your child have an eating disorder? To the world, do you seem like the perfect family with a great life? Did you think, ‘it’ll never happen to us’? And what happens when it does? Do you go into overdrive, extreme emotions. Frightened, scared?

Diving into information and knowledge is a starting point to try to wade through the different emotions that you are bound to experience. It’s a form of loss of the life that you thought you had. It’s ‘normal’ to resent the person who has brought these changes into your house and to feel the ripples of emotions throughout the day. As a parent, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t feel you have all the skills and know how to cope with the situation. Whatever you do - it’s enough. Don’t focus on what you’re not doing, do what you can and be present and committed to support your child - as long as you don’t give up on your child and embrace the person that evolves from the eating disorder and acknowledge and reward their progress and journey - then you’re doing a great job as a parent!

Sometimes the person who is experiencing the eating disorder doesn’t even understand the exact reasons for their feelings or behaviours - so how can you be expected to. Don’t play the blame game - it’s no-ones fault - there are lots of reasons why some people are susceptible to mental health illness and others not. Just don’t give up and know you can get through it and come out stronger and healthier together.

Knowledge is power - so find out as much as you can. Get in touch with charities that are there to support you like BEAT: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/supporting-someone

Some tips from a mother who has supported her child through this:

• Avoid personal criticism

• Acknowledge small steps forward

  • Make goals/movement forward achievable and continuous

• Refrain from reinforcing disordered eating / negative language around food

  • Model the right behaviour - what are you doing/saying and how is this impacting on your child? This includes food, exercise and social media input.

• Reinforce healthy eating habits (model them yourself eg: breakfast, lunch and dinner)

• Be as kind as possible and allow your child their own space and control

• Show empathy to your child and give them positive lifts during the day. Work together and let them know that you are part of team or in partnership. Make sure you know you have their back!

• Find the humour and the joy in life and even get to the stage where you can find the humour in the behaviours together. Laugh together…(not at the child!)

• Keep your family routine normal

• Keep communication open and positive. Be transparent and include the whole family in the recovery process. Keep judgement out of conversations - and this includes your opinion!

• Remember the other children in your family - don’t let them feel that they are not getting of your time and attention or are not as important as the child with the eating disorder.

• Do whatever you can to promote self-esteem. Let them know that there is space for everyone in the world and that a lot of what they see on social media isn’t ‘real’.

• Be positive and filled with hope for them that they will recover

If you want more information or are interested in doing a mental health first aid training course to learn more - do get in touch: ase@mrtconsultants.co.uk www.mrtconsultants.co.uk

Watch out for our young people!

This pandemic has affected all of us in one way or the other. Some are worse off, some are coping well. There are different reactions and coping behaviours all around.

As an adult, having lived for 50+ years, I feel fairly able to cope and have found what works for me as far as coping strategies go. Thank goodness for exercise! Without my daily walks and cycling, it would have been a very different scenario.

What about the young people? The 16-25 year olds? How are they coping? What are their views throughout this period? There are so many people to be concerned about and this group is one of them.

They need to feel included, understood and seen. The mental health risks to this age group are also great as they are under different kinds of pressure socially and showing vulnerability to others is a big challenge.

According to research done for the Prince’s Trust Tesco Youth Index, this group feels more anxious and unable to cope than ever.

The Prince’s Trust found that among 16- to 25-year-olds ...

68% feel they are 'missing out on being young'

66% say current and upcoming political events have made them feel anxious about their future

62% believe they’ve 'lost a year' of their lives

58% say constant news about the pandemic makes them feel anxious

54% say political and economic events of 2020 have made their mental health worse

46% of Neets* are dreading the year ahead

38% are dreading the year ahead

Guardian graphic. Source: 2021 Prince’s Trust Tesco Youth Index. *not in work, education or training

Half of the young people interviewed by YouGov for the trust’s 2020 Youth Index, carried out in partnership with Tesco, said current political and economic events had affected their mental health. More than half said they always or often felt anxious, rising to 64% among those not in work, education or training (Neet).

So what can be done for this vulnerable group? How can we help the ones we are close to? What can companies do?

“At this critical time we need businesses, government and individuals to work with us to help as many vulnerable young people as possible,” Jonathan Townsend, the trust’s UK chief executive. “It is only by working together that we can stop this generation of young people giving up on their futures – and themselves.”

So over to you lovely people out there, can you reach out and offer help? Is there space for a young person to join your workforce in one way or another? Even something small can really help a young person to feel valued and that they have a contribution to make.

Lots of feelings of anxiety and loss…

Anxiety in children is a very real fear for them – and it all centres around emotion.  The younger the child, the less able they are to understand locus of control – in other words what is happening to them outside of their control and what is within their control. 

One of the best ways to help children is to model the behaviour, the thoughts and the coping skills.  Start off by making sure that you are calm yourself.  Voice the concerns by naming the emotion.  Eg ‘It’s really worrying not knowing what is happening out there in the world at the moment’ or ‘It’s scary not being able to see people and do normal things’ or ‘It makes me feel different and frightened…’  Then ask them how they are feeling.  If a child feels that what they are feeling is shared with others, it reduces their anxiety because it normalises their feelings. 

You would then continue the modelling by moving from naming the fears and anxieties to a place where you start to find a ‘new normal’ for now – keeping the language around…’we can’t do this YET, but we can do this’… or ‘the time we can’t do this WILL PASS, so for now we need to change things a bit and do it this way’.

This is closely linked to the feelings of loss.  There are many students who have had to deal with an abrupt and completely altered end to their schooling careers or end of year exams.  Keep a close eye on University students too as they are a high risk group for mental health concerns. All students will be feeling degrees of loss.  For some, they may still be reeling from shock, denial and anger and others could already be feeling down with a very low mood.  There will also be some who have moved into acceptance of the situation. 

Wherever your children are in the cycle, the most important thing as a parent is to validate their feelings and listen to them. Don’t try and fix things or minimise the impact by saying ‘it doesn’t matter’ or ‘don’t worry you can always redo your exams’ or ‘at least you’re not ill’.  This won’t help them.  You need to empathise and acknowledge how they’re feeling but then work with them to move them through the cycle so they don’t get stuck. 

It may be that  you need to get on the phone to other parents and find out how they are coping with their children; it may be you need to give a teenager space and an outlet for their anger (think drums or a boxing bag). You may need to call the school and speak to someone in the pastoral team.   Keep a close eye on their eating, sleep and hygiene.  If you notice changes this could be an indication that they are getting depressed and may need additional help. 

Try to help them find something positive in their day, their week and the current situation.  Keep connecting with them and find value in the close proximity and time you have together – it truly is unique. 

If you’re worried, remember you can always call the Samaritans: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

Have you got bored kids?

We hope you are keeping yourselves safe and indoors as we all entrench ourselves in this period of physical isolation. It’s been a few weeks now and many people have been able to get a routine established in their lives, but for many - boredom is setting in.

Children have, to a large degree, been occupied through virtual schooling until this week. Now the Easter holidays are here! What are you going to do to keep your kids occupied so you can continue to manage your day and work commitments?

Children, by nature, love to learn. They thrive when they can develop, explore, connect and engage with activities. Watching TV all day is actually not what they instinctively want or need. So here are some ideas to help them over the next few weeks:

• Get your children to learn to touch type. It’s the most fantastic lifeskill: https://www.typingclub.com/

  or Dance Mat typing on BBC Bitesize: https://www.bbc.co.uk/bitesize/topics/zf2f9j6/articles/z3c6tfr

• What about learning sign language? British Sign Language Courses are free for U18s

  https:/www.british-sign.co.uk/shop/product/introducing-british-sign-language-enrolment/

•  If you have a computer mad child have a look at Idea.org - an online Digital Enterprise Award Scheme https://Idea.org.uk/about/

• A great resource is the stay at home club: lots of ideas to keep busy and engaged during this isolation time: https://www.facebook.com/thestayathomeclub/

• There’s also a bunch of free resources to combat boredom here: Chatter Pack

  https://chatterpack.net/blogs/blog/list-of-online-resources-for-anyone-who-is-isolated-at-home

• Amazon is offering free audio books for children: https://stories.audible.com/start-listen

• Challenge your kids to a bake-off competition

• Engage your kids in a dragons-den game. Set a budget and get them thinking about new business ideas to pitch to you. Perhaps something for your house or their room, school or community?

• Make Thursday night a family theatre night with The National Theatre. A free play each Thursday night: https://www.nationaltheatre.org.uk/at-home

Above all, stay indoors. Stay Safe. Stay connected.

It's OK to visit the GP...right?

What goes into a decision to access your GP surgery? How ‘easy’ is it for you to decide to make an appointment to see a GP? Most people don’t ponder the decision for long, or think about the pro’s or con’s of getting a physical worry ‘checked out’ (of course actually getting an appointment is another thing!). So why is it that when we consider approaching a medical professional for help or advice with our mental health, we’re often slow to act; reluctant to take that step or weighed down by doubt, stigma or other barriers?

Åse and I are as passionate about our parenting work as we are about mental health and wellbeing - so when I came across this article it really resonated and I wanted to share it:

It’s by Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of Kidscape

If a child’s mental health has been significantly impacted by cyberbullying what are the immediate steps that parents should take?

Go to your GP. If your child had a broken leg you’d be straight to A&E and mental health is no different. Don’t be embarrassed or scared. Bullying can cause anxiety and depression and the sooner you get help the better. Let your child know that you love them unconditionally and acknowledge how the bullying has made them feel. Be patient and create opportunities to connect – even if they’re quiet and withdrawn they need you more than ever.

Encourage them to break contact with the people that are hurting them and spend time (whether it’s face to face or online) with people that make them feel good about themselves. Gentle exercise each day like going for a walk can really help, and any activity that helps them feel calmer.

Help them think about other people that can be a support and encourage them to share how they’re feeling with these people even if they can’t talk to you. Talk together about what needs to happen for the bullying to stop and whether it is worth approaching their school or college for help. Let them know that this will pass and together you will get through it.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Lauren reinforces that the medical profession is there to support and care for our mental health as much as our physical health - so reach out if you need to and ask for help.

More blogs and articles on http://www.familyfocusuk.com/wellbeing-blog

Look out!

I have just been watching the news and a report about the decline in young peoples mental health. It is getting worse by the day. What can be done? How can we help?

One thing is to be aware and understand the signs of mental health issues and know how to approach someone.

Even better is preventative action. The earlier we start talking and creating a trusting relationship, the more we will be in a place to support and help. This involves being present and spending time with the people that matter.

Part of the problem in todays society is the lack of connection as more and more people spend too much time on line rather than talking and be together as families. This is one of the things that keeps on popping up when talking to youngsters, ‘My parents are always busy with other things like being on the their phones or laptops’ ‘They’d rather be online than with me’.

What this really says is that these children or people over all don’t feel significant and important enough to be seen and heard. This has a great impact on their self-esteem which get lower and lower unless dealt with.

Low self-esteem will lead to a person doubting themselves, not being good enough, not being worthy of love and attention. It can also lead to a person making decisions based on the need to be seen and loved rather than what is actually the best decision for them.

So, be aware, pay attention, put away those devices and be PRESENT!!

We are currently delivering MHFA training as well as other relevant topics within Mental health and emotional wellbeing.

For further information please go to:

www.familyfocusuk.com

How does social media affect our wellbeing?

I’ve been thinking about the impact social media has on our wellbeing. It is up and down for a lot of people. A kind of love or hate relationship.

Depending on how you are feeling that time you look on FB or Instagram, what you are reading and seeing can set you up for the day. The tendencies seem to be that the majority of posts are about how great life is, which can be really uplifting and inspiring if you are in that mindset.

However, if you are a bit low and things aren’t going as well as you’d like in your own life, reading about others ‘perfect’ lives can be depressing and sometimes hurtful. Seeing photos from an event or gathering with lots of your friends and you were not included can be one of those hurtful moments.

The lives of our online friends can seem so different and more exciting and successful than ours. But are they really? What goes on behind those facades?

There has been a lot in the news about suicides amongst not only youngsters but also adults. Has this digital world got anything to do with this increase in deaths?

So how do we live with this phenomena? How can we handle our social media without allowing it to get us down?

I think self-esteem plays a big part. If our self-esteem is high, we can handle situations and rationalise feelings much better. We are able to push those thoughts aside and see that what is presented is not always what it seems. Also, even if it is amazing, we can be happy for those involved and not jealous.

Envy is fine, we all would like some things we don’t have but that is OK, this is life. Kids today need to learn from an early age that life is not always fair, it can’t be the same for everyone. Study, work and do your best to create the life you want to live.

So, here are a few tips on increasing our self-esteem:

• Write a gratitude diary every night. I know it sounds funny but it is all part of feeding our brains with positivity.

• Challenge any negative thoughts that pop in to your head. “Is this really true?”

• Use mantras. “I can do this” , “I am a good person”, “ I am worthy”, yet again, feeding our brains with positive words has a great impact.

• Exercise! Release those endorphins!

• Get out, go into nature and be present! The feeling of being out and breathing fresh air is unbeatable.

• Sleep. Give yourself and your body a chance to recover and recharge.

Enjoy your life, never mind what others do!!

Do you spy on your child (ren)?

Huawei has been in the news lately and seems to have got into trouble because some people think they are using their technology to ‘spy’ on people.  Even though the Company totally denies this claim, it has certainly generated a lot of interesting conversations about if it’s true, or even possible!

So, thinking about the concept of  ‘spying’ - who has the right to do this?  As the boss of a Company or a team leader, do you have the right to access any information your employee has created or their correspondence?  What impact would this have on you or the employee? 

As a parent, do you have the right to read your child’s diary or their text messages?  What are the boundaries?  What are the norms and rules?  What impact would this have on your relationship with your child? Can you resist the urge to do this?

In our work with parents,  Åse and I always language this question around the ages of the children and the risks involved.  It can be very controversial but we believe mutual trust is key, so you don’t invade personal space without prior communication and consent (i.e. you don’t ‘spy’).  Rather work with your child to gain access to this communication if you feel it’s important. 

The only time this would change is if you feel there is a significant risk to your child (if they are very depressed or suicidal) and breaking this trust to gain information may in fact be a life-saving action.  There’s also the very real worry about grooming and how this develops.  Breck Bednar  is a real example of this devastating situation.  https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-47473932 Would this concern justify you spying on your child?

It would be great to hear what you think?  What experiences you’ve had with this and what you can share?  Please comment below if you’d like to join this conversation.

The horrendous 'momo challenge' for kids...

My daughter (who works in child after-care) recently brought to my attention that there is a horrendous ‘momo challenge’ circulating that is hacking children’s online games like Peppa Pig, Fortnite and Youtube.

Primary schools are sending out warnings to parents as the craze seems to have arrived in the UK. Some are calling it a hoax, but hoax or not - if your child sees this is will most definitely be disturbing and potentially dangerous. I was horrified when I saw the video! It promotes self-harm, inflicting harm on others and even suicide in a series of threats to the viewer who has to ‘complete certain tasks otherwise momo will come and hurt them or their families’. The visual guides are extremely real and graphic.

2 thoughts instantly. What is becoming of our world that someone out there takes the time to come up with material like this; and our children are so vulnerable. Although the BBC News reported that ‘The UK Safer Internet Centre told the Guardian that it was "fake news", there are still unofficial copies with footage of "momo" that have been copied so children could end up seeing these unofficial uploads and be exposed to the distressing images’. Knowledge is key and it’s important to know what your children may see.

If you have not heard about this and you have younger or potentially vulnerable children, please do a bit of investigating. Then - most importantly - make sure your children know how dangerous this hack is. TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. Help them to understand how to say NO to things that don’t sound or feel right.

Childline offer the following advice FOR KIDS: How to say no

1) Say it with confidence: Be assertive. It’s your choice and you don’t have to do something which makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

2) Try not to judge them: By respecting their choices, they should respect yours.

3) Spend time with friends who can say ‘no’: It takes confidence and courage to say no to your friends. Spend time with other friends who also aren’t taking part.

4) Suggest something else to do: If you don’t feel comfortable doing what your friends are doing, suggest something else to do.

With internet safety there is lots we can do:-

Set up parental controls

• Use ‘Parental controls’ to block upsetting or harmful content

• they can also control how long and when they’re online, plus stop them downloading apps.

Talk to your children

• Have regular conversations about what your child is doing online

• Explore sites and apps together

• Talk about what personal information they should share online

• Create a family agreement about what behaviour is appropriate when they are online

Do your research

• Check through websites your child is using

• Change privacy settings

• Turn OFF location sharing

I don’t want to advertise the momo site here - but google it or look at it on youtube so you know what your child may be exposed to.

It’s our responsibility to safeguard our children. Find out what you need to know and get it done.

Take a look at these sites for online safety help:-

Our Pact: https://www.producthunt.com/alternatives/ourpact

Site recommending apps: https://www.digitaltrends.com/mobile/best-parental-control-apps/

NSPCC: https://www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/

Phones and sleep

So, it’s been in the news lately about the connection between mobile phones and sleep deprivation.

In particular, it’s been concerning children and ensuring they get enough sleep which is a national problem, and was highlighted on the BBC news this morning.

We all need our sleep to function properly and children need it even more in order to allow their brains to develop the way it needs to.

There is lots of data and research as far as sleep goes and it’s being done for a reason; sleep deprivation is affecting people everywhere. It’s not just about individuals and their personal needs, it’s very much about us as a society.

Sleep deprivation affects our ability to function properly including concentrating whilst driving and working. Productivity is affected for both adults and children.

Here are the latest recommendations from https://www.sleepfoundation.org

Newborns (0-3 months): Sleep range narrowed to 14-17 hours each day (previously it was 12-18)

• Infants (4-11 months): Sleep range widened two hours to 12-15 hours (previously it was 14-15)

• Toddlers (1-2 years): Sleep range widened by one hour to 11-14 hours (previously it was 12-14)

• Preschoolers (3-5): Sleep range widened by one hour to 10-13 hours (previously it was 11-13)

• School age children (6-13): Sleep range widened by one hour to 9-11 hours (previously it was 10-11)

• Teenagers (14-17): Sleep range widened by one hour to 8-10 hours (previously it was 8.5-9.5)

• Younger adults (18-25): Sleep range is 7-9 hours (new age category)

• Adults (26-64): Sleep range did not change and remains 7-9 hours

• Older adults (65+): Sleep range is 7-8 hours (new age category)

There are a few variables as we do have different needs dependent on fitness levels, weight, health issues etc.

Overall though, we all need to sleep undisturbed to function and allow our brain to rest. This includes leaving phones turned off and preferably away from the bedroom. A child should never have a phone or any electronics in the bedroom as it makes it too easy to be reachable. My daughter was one of them a few years ago, she kept on getting messages from needy friends in the middle of the night and it disturbed her sleep badly. I had to step in and remove it and told her to tell her friends she has the worst mum in the world!

The need to be available 24/7 is creating a society that is unhealthy and stressful. What choices do we have? At what stage do we realise what this is doing to our health?

As parents, we are the adults and decision makers for our children when it comes to knowing what’s best for them. Dare to be the ‘worst parents in the world’ because that comes with being the loving, caring parents we need to be. Boundaries are necessary for a child to learn right from wrong and they will thank you later on!

Perspective - an essential life skill!

My son is studying photography for GCSE and I was watching him work at the weekend and couldn’t quite believe the difference in what ‘I saw’ him photograph and what ‘he saw’ and produced through his camera. This got me thinking about perspective and how important it is with everything in life.

What lens do you use? What glasses do you wear when you look at something? Clear, tinted, shrinking, enlarging or do you see things in bi-focal? Do you swap your ‘outlook’ depending on what you’re looking at? If so, why?

When you are enmeshed in something, you cannot see the ‘wide angle’ of the situation and when you are removed it’s very hard to understand all the nuances, intricacies or emotions of the detail.

But how often are we able to digest all these angles, lenses and perspectives when we are faced with a situation or event? Where do we get the tools to navigate perspective successfully?

Perspective comes from having a personal opinion or view on something that has been moulded over time by your life experiences, values, thoughts, assumptions plus a whole lot of other factors like community, finances, environment etc.

In order to successfully develop relationships, communications and experiences for yourself it’s imperative to develop empathy and compassion for others. We often use the word ‘mindful’ of others to emphasise how important it is to both respect and acknowledge everyone’s thoughts and feelings in situations and not just your own.

On a parenting level, children will learn how to develop perspective if they grow up knowing that their thoughts, feelings and experiences are both understood, valued and respected by their parents. Make sure you constantly engage with your children and reflect their feelings back to them to let them know that they are noticed and that you are available to both help and support them.

In the workforce, you should be constantly mindful and aware of the different points of view that exist and to allow, acknowledge and respect those different perspectives. Sometimes this might mean that you need to take a break, take a breath, or take a long hard look at yourself to make sure that whatever glasses you are wearing are not tinting the situation.

Perspective is what brings diversity, inclusion and growth. Perspective allows for creativity and compromise and development. Perspective is a life skill that our children need to develop and we all need to encourage throughout our lives.

As you move through today, be mindful of what is influencing your perspective and how this differs from others.

Envious or pleased?

I’ve been thinking of trolls on the web and bullies everywhere and wondering what causes their horrendous behaviour.

What makes someone behave in such a way towards others? What do they get out of it?

Self-esteem; Self-esteem is the way people think about themselves, and how worthwhile they feel. Psychologists use the word self-esteem to describe whether someone likes them self or not. ... Someone with low self-esteem might think that they are bad at things and worthless.

Now low self-esteem comes out in many different ways and bullying and trolling is one. This temporary ‘I am better than you, see how I was able to make you feel’ gives a lift and sense of achievement in its warped way.

By trolling and bullying a person has a purpose and thinks others might think they are clever. It’s all about how others perceive them, that is what makes them feel that temporary feeling of ‘good’ about themselves. Not for long though but once they started this behaviour, it’s hard to stop even when they know it’s wrong. Then the justifications start, ‘he deserves it’, ‘she asked for it’ , ‘they are scum’ etc. Because if it’s not justified, they are the ones who are wrong…

It’s a sad way of getting acknowledgement but if a person doesn’t get it anywhere else, that will do.

There is always a reason behind a persons behaviour and this is about significance and love; the need to be seen. When someone is a bully, they need help and support, just like the victims. I don’t condone this behaviour at all but I do feel sad for someone who inflicts this on someone else as inherently, we all want to be loved and significant.

The ability to feel genuinely pleased and happy for someone else is not something that always just happens. Most of us can have twinges of envy and ‘why not me’ thoughts. However, how far we allow those thoughts to go is a different matter. This is where we have a choice and can push away the negativity and think; ‘why not them?!’ ‘My turn might just come, good for you!!’.

Gratitude and contribution are two things that will make us feel good about our lot in life. No matter how difficult something might be, there will a silver lining somewhere. We just have to find it.

Is the world different now?

Sunday was Holocaust Memorial Day, on which we remembered the millions of people murdered by the Nazis, and in the genocides since in Cambodia, Rwanda, Bosnia and Darfur.

Most of us know about this and spare a thought every now and then. What a horrendous thing to happen…

How different is the world today? Could this happen again in Europe??

I do wonder at times and it makes me sad to think how narrow minded and easily persuaded us humans are. Some more than others but generally most of us can get convinced of something that feels wrong to start with.

How can this be avoided? What do we need to stay strong in our beliefs and remain decent, caring human beings?

One thing I know is that parents have a massive influence on their children whether they like it or not. The way we bring our children up, show and teach them our values that influences them immensely.

By being role models, showing rather than saying, we teach our kids right from wrong.

This does not stop just because they become teenagers and don’t want to listen. It’s our job and responsibility to continue to be present and pay attention to what are children are doing, who they hang out with and who they ‘meet’ online.

• Be a parent, not a friend.

• Set boundaries and enforce them.

• Be empathic to their problems.

• Support the kids and listen without judging.

• Again, be a ROLE MODEL.

We can if we try, and they are worth it!

What does family mean?

Following some recent conversations about our Company name ‘Family Focus UK’, Åse and I were prompted to pose a new question on our homepage…‘What does family mean?’

When we joined forces, Åse and I were both working predominantly with parenting and we were both extremely passionate about its importance and the family structure. We wanted to focus on this notion of ‘family’ - hence our choice of Company name, Family Focus UK.

However, the tremendous growth in the talk, publicity and awareness of mental health and wellbeing has morphed our work from a purely parenting focus to one that includes a wider scope of topics. So then. Do we change our Company name from ‘Family’ to ‘something else?’

Absolutely not! Because the word ‘family’ is no longer a singular explanation from an olde-worlde version of 2 parents and 2 children. Family has evolved over time to encompass so much more:

In the context of human society, a family is a group of people related either by consanguinity (recognised birth), affinity (marriage or other relationship) or co-existence

Members of the immediate family may include spouses, parents, brothers, sisters, sons, and daughters. Members of the extended family may include grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, and siblings-in-law

Family can relate to places of work or associates by proximity

In most societies, the family is the principal institution for the socialisation of children.

The word "family" can be used metaphorically to create more inclusive categories such as community, nationhood, global village and humanism

We believe that family is a lot more than your birth connections. Family is your community that you build around you. Your work colleagues, football club, your Church, your choir, your neighbours and school friends. Family is the unit you connect with that brings value to your life and gives you purpose. Family can be given to you with birth, or you can create it yourself by forming relationships and connections that matter.

So - who is your family? What are you doing to protect them and nurture them? Do they know that you consider them family? If so - show them!

Children and work? What choices are there?

Becoming a parent is a big decision. Many factors come into consideration and a lot of couples might find that they have very different views on this.

With todays workplace politics and opportunities, the choices are not always clear. More and more women are just as ambitious and driven as men. Unfortunately, a lot of them feel the pressure to perform more than their male counterparts. What will happen to their careers if they go on maternity leave? Are they supported by their employers? Will their clients accept their absence?

There are lots of questions raised by women who are considering having a family and many of the feel alone in these decisions as their partners don’t have the same ‘risks’ to consider. There is also social pressure to consider like what other friends and family are doing and expecting of them.

The UK is a hard place to raise children if you have finances to consider. The child care costs are immense and not everyone can afford to use a nursery or nanny. So what do you do?

• Firstly communicate with your employer, find out exactly what your rights are and what the expectations are from their side.

• Discuss with your partner, well ahead, what is important to the both of you. As a mother to be, you have to be the one at home to start with but for how long? Can your partner take over?

• What is your support network like? Can you child care share? What do others do in your area? At your workplace?

• Be aware of the emotional impact having a child can have on you. Read up and be prepared. Not that you can be fully prepared, children do have a tendency to take you on a rollercoaster ride you’ve never been on before!

Most importantly though, enjoy your children! The years of having a young family passes quickly, believe it or not. Be present, do things together, talk and listen. Look after each other and yourself, remember this is a new life for both parents!

Here are a few links to help along the way:

https://fullfact.org/education/childcare-costs-england/

https://www.childcarechoices.gov.uk/

https://www.workingfamilies.org.uk

https://www.nct.org.uk/parenting/work-and-childcare

Photo by Filip Mroz on Unsplash

How adaptable is your child? How adaptable are you?

Recent events have really got me thinking about the family structure and how adaptable it needs to be. This last week our family of 4 was a family of 2 and it was fascinating to see how we ‘adapted’! 

Adaptability is one of the most crucial coping skills we need to teach our children.  Every child will have a degree of adaptability as their trait, meaning how easily or fast they are able to adjust to changes in their environment.  It does not include the initial emotional reaction.  Eg:  If a parent leaves the home and the child cries (emotional reaction).  What happens then?  Does the child adapt and attach to the new childminder or is the child unable to adapt and continues to cry?

I found a lovely quiz to help you determine how adaptable your children are:-

Track your answers on the following scale from one to five:

1. Do your children cry and get upset when you ask them to finish an activity and move on to something else?
2. Do surprises upset your children?
3. Do your children find it stressful to change ideas or routines?
4. Do you feel like you have to coax or beg your children for days to get them involved in new activities?
5. Is it difficult for your children to make decisions and when they do, do they agonize over their choices?

No                                                                                        Yes

1         __         2        __      3       __         4    __            5

Adapts quickly                                                          Adapts slowly

Looking at your answers you should relate to the following traits:-

LESS ADAPTABLE

• More rigid
• More resistant
• Less comfortable with new people
• Likes routine
• Likes predictability
• More cautious (less risky children)
• Less influenced by peer pressure

MORE ADAPTABLE

• Adjusts quickly to changes
• Happy with new routines
• Easier to parent
• Go with the flow children
• Flexible
• Enjoy new things/places/ideas/activities
• Can be impulsive and risk taking

As adults, we are much less able to change our innate traits or personality, so the more we can encourage adaptability in our children the more they will be able to adapt to the demands of adult and working life.